Flame
by singingrain
Summary: When suicide IS the answer. Warning: dark humor. SasuNaru. Oneshot.


Sasuke had been dragged forcefully back (possibly unconscious from a particularly well-placed blow to his temple), a week ago. By none other than his greatest rival and friend, more popularly known as Konoha's loudest blonde idiot.

It was utterly humiliating. But was Sasuke going to ever ADMIT that he was brought back like a spoiled run-away child, and bolt at the first opportunity that presented itself?

Oh hell no.

Instead, his pride would allow only one option: stay in Konaha and act like the entire thing had been his plan all along. Thankfully Naruto and his boastful mouth were widely regarded to be poor sources of information, and so Sasuke managed to keep up the illusion.

The most humiliating part of it all was the fact that Naruto had been able to get him simply because of a lucky strike. THAT hurt his pride the most. Utterly blind luck on Naruto's part had allowed him to get in that hit, and bring him to where he was today.

Which happened to be sitting on a tree stump, attempting to lord over anyone remotely close to the training grounds, watching his two former teammates spar.

It had begun as a simply nostalgic training match, but Sasuke had the sneaking suspicion that Naruto had let off one too many taunts (the foremost having to do with foreheads) and now Sakura was really and truly trying to smash Naruto's (presumably hollow) head in.

Sasuke contemplated his current life situation while watching his supposedly more mature ex-teammates resort to the simply violent bickering that had once been their daily interaction.

It was the first real opportunity he had been given to mull things over since he had gotten back. Concerned villagers and annoyed ninjas had been taken up the bulk of his time since he had 'willingly' returned.

So Sasuke was now in Konoha, whether through his own decision or not, and he was at a bit of a loss of what to DO, exactly. His main goal in life was to be an avenger- to avenge his family by killing Itachi. And well, Itachi was dead. Check that one off of his life goals list.

Did he have any other aspirations?

Sasuke inwardly winced when Naruto yelled for the god-only-knows time about becoming Hokage and Sakura gripped his balls in exasperated fury, threatening him in the worst way possible.

That's right, he was supposed to repopulate the earth with billions of little Uchiha babies. But the thought of having children made him furrow his brow in disgust. Taking care of screeching, perpetually sticky, and incredibly weak brats did not sound particularly appealing.

Perhaps he could get someone to take care of them in his stead. Or rather, just take them.

Maybe the mother would want them. Right, the mother. If he was to go about spawning little sets of sharingan eyes, he would need a woman, obviously. Unfortunately, Sasuke had yet to master asexual reproduction.

So he would need a mother. Sasuke thought about who he could utilize to pop out his renewed Uchiha line. It should probably be someone he could actually stand being around for more than ten minutes, but seeing as none of the people who fell in that category were of the female persuasion, he would have to make do with someone whom didn't inspire him to commit murder.

Sakura, perhaps. She had become mildly less intolerable since his return, and she had previously stared at him as longingly as Naruto stared at ramen.

Sasuke noted that his pink-haired ex-teammate was currently playing rock-paper-scissors with Naruto, a recently arrived Green Beast (that really needed to learn what an athletic cup was if he insisted on wearing a skin-tight bodysuit) overseeing the competition.

Sasuke let his eyes roam over her body as she threw out a fisted hand in 'rock' position. She had certainly filled out over the years, and not just physically. The competency and (occasional) maturity she displayed made her just slightly above average body seem particularly attractive to most of the male villagers.

But not to the one studying her at that moment. The Uchiha gave a tiny sigh. She would simply not do if he couldn't be physically attracted to her. There were certain activities involved with begetting offspring, after all.

Naruto let out an obnoxiously loud whoop of triumph before throwing his shirt over his head and running around screaming "GOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAL!"

The audience musing on the tree stump watched as Naruto ran around blindly, calling his victory. His eyes slid down to his exposed stomach, the tattooed seal drawing him in. From the breath Naruto was releasing, his abdominal muscles had tightened deliciously and his slightly tanned skin was sensually glistening from his earlier exertions.

Wait. 'Tightened deliciously?' 'Sensually glistening?' That's not right.

The local village idiot's stomach was showing. With those exquisite muscle lines carved into it, making him want to follow the black ink engraved into his warm skin with his tongue, tasting the sweat and feeling the muscles twi-

Wait, what? What was that? Sasuke certainly couldn't be thinking about his MALE teammate that way.

Naruto ran into a tree, flew backwards, and manage to do a sit-down landing on a forgotten shuriken. Sasuke snorted in laughter as Naruto yelped and ran to Sakura, pleading her to heal him (because if he had an injured butt, how would he sit down and eat at Ichiraku's) and proceeded to pull down his trousers.

Which just so happened to reveal that Naruto had, indeed, naturally obtained that rich slightly-tanned looking skin tone. Or he frequently walked around outside in the nude. Which Sasuke was sure he didn't because he would have DEFINITELY noticed if a body that fantastic and sculpted was flaunting itself around town.

Saskura patched Naruto up sadistically, without using chakra and slapping the wound after she finished bandaging it.

Saskue wanted to slap that perfectly bubbled tight rear sticking out of Naruto's pants, too.

Ok, that was enough. Could it be that the last Uchiha was actually attracted to NARUTO, of all people? It couldn't be possible. He took another look.

Naruto's cheeky grin seemed sexily seductive, teasing Sasuke to just come up to him and wipe it off his face.

He looked at Sakura. She was laughing a bit too hard at Naruto's antics and her mouth was opened in an unflattering way.

Back to Naruto.

Blonde hair seemed to caress his smooth skin and tauntingly fell into his gorgeous piercing eyes.

Sakura. Now hitting Naruto upside the head. Face full of angry wrinkles.

This was not good. Could Sasuke possibly be gay? And for the fumbling idiot?

Naruto's marred cheeks appeared to be of flawless design, hinting at an animalistic passion not on display for the public.

That was it. Sasuke was official gay. For his arch nemesis. He felt like he should be wearing his underwear on the outside some tights and have a cape fluttering behind him, he was that gay.

Well, there was no way in hell he was going to act on his feelings of newfound attraction. He'd rather die.

So no babies for the Uchiha line. It would effectively die with him. Well, probably for the better, as in his later years he had become increasingly suspicious that mental illness ran in his bloodline. Besides, having to deal with beings sharing uncanny similarities to himself didn't seem all that joyous of a future, either.

Well then, if he couldn't manage to populate the entire earth with the fruit of his loins, what exactly was he supposed to do now? He had only just begun the process of getting the whole baby thing on track. Now that the plan was moot, what was he to do? There were really only two things he had ever wanted to accomplish- kill Itachi and make more Uchihas. One down, one impossible.

So what now?

What did he think before about his attraction to Naruto? That he'd rather die than come onto him? Well, there was an idea. Being gay was a good reason to commit suicide, right?

Sasuke sighed. Had his life become so meaningless, so empty, and so boring to be contemplating suicide for a reason he didn't really even care about all that much? After all, it wasn't really the thought of being attracted to men that upset him. What filled him up with horror was being attracted to NARUTO.

Glancing at the man now walking away and resisting the urge to follow and simply stare at his ass as he moved, Sasuke decided perhaps this time suicide WAS the answer.

Now, how to go about it? He would most certainly want something that royally fucked up his face. If he was going down, he was going to bring millions of fangirls' fantasies down with him. He let a cruel sneer play across his face. Finally, retribution for his younger years- half of which was spent in hiding from his rabid fan club.

Alright, messing up his face. What did that give him as options? Hm, fire perhaps? It would be awfully ironic, considering his family history. But burning in a fire would definitely be a slow, agonizing death, and that did not sound particularly appealing. He wanted to kill himself, not re-enact some medieval torture method. What about drugging himself first, then have the fire rigged to start? No, that wouldn't work. Sasuke doubted there existed something strong enough to keep him knocked out while burning alive, and again, torture was not the objective here.

Hm, have to do something else then. What about falling from a height? It'd have to be an enormous height; otherwise Sasuke would probably instinctively save himself, though. Probably have to be about as tall as the Hokage mountain.

Well, there was an idea. Wouldn't it be deviously excellent if he killed himself in a place commemorating those of valor? It would be one last 'fuck you' in the face of Konoha.

Place and manner of death decided.

XXXX

The next day found Sasuke gradually approaching the edge of the 1st's face. He had thought about waiting a few days to bask in the knowledge that those surrounding him knew nothing, but Naruto had come over to annoy him this morning but had really only managed to turn him on, and he decided it was time.

Toeing towards the very edge now, a blonde blur appeared, threw what resembled arms but going too fast to really tell around his midsection, and yanked him back off the edge.

"What the fuck do you think you're doing?" Naruto screamed directly into Sasuke's face, grip still tightly around the suicidal man's middle.

"Killing myself," was Sasuke's calm answer. He attempted to pry Naruto's hands off of him. Naruto screamed again.

"Why the fuck would you do that?"

Sasuke looked annoyed now. He didn't really have a good answer. Because he didn't know what to do with his life? Was tired of playing nice with the villagers? Wanted to have sex with the man currently holding him in a death grip? Was just plain bored?

Instead he just said: "Because I'm gay."

Naruto's eyes bugged out of his head in exasperation and he squeezed Sasuke violently closer.

"Why the FUCK would that even MATTER?" He bellowed. "Who even CARES?"

Sasuke corrected himself.

"For you. I'm gay for you."

Naruto's hold immediately released and his face went completely blank. He pointed to the edge he had just pulled Sasuke away from.

"Go die."

Sasuke raised an eyebrow in amusement, then walked over to the edge to continue what had been so rudely interrupted just moment's before.

As he stuck out a foot and leaned forward into the mist, Naruto cursed at him, calling "That MOTHER-FUCKER!" before leaping over the edge after him.


End file.
